Zack Snyder's Descent Into Madness

--Act I--

Seabass is awoken by a hand prying his mouth open, and the searing feeling of knowing that you have boiling hot milk being dumped down his throat. "Wake up Seabassy" Whispers Brady Spoores. They hear a pounding at the door, which finally jolts Sebastian awake. He can't believe he forgot what today was. It's been 8 months since the incident, but it feels like it happened yesterday. Zack Snyder slithers through the window, and Brady screams "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, BEES!". It seems Brady too has forgotten the importance of this day. Zack Synder flattens himself against the floor and slowly approaches them. “You knew this day would come, sooner or later.” A wave of understanding washes over Sebass’ inner soul. Brady remains completely clueless. "Oh." grumbled Seabass, "You should go." Zack motions to turn around, but falls flat on his face, due to the fact that his socks are soaked in vegetable oil. Brady Spoores looks to the ceiling, to see a Gandanameno spenceri. "Woah." Exclaimed Brady. The Gandanameno lowered itself to the floor, while Sebastian started to eat the hamburger sitting on the table. Zack Snyder got up, removed his vegetable oil-soaked socks, but then slipped again because the vegetable oil was still covering his feet. Zack Snyder makes unintelligible wheezing noises. He is not enjoying his current predicament, and is embarrassed that his dramatic flair and intimidating aura has been interrupted. Brady is bored, and he realizes that his intentions for that night will not be fulfilled. “I just realized something,” he says. “I do not care about any of this.” Brady fades out of existence. Not a single person acknowledges this. Zack Snyder flattens himself and slithers into one of Seabassy’s dresser drawers, emerging quickly with a garden hose and twenty seven and a half tiny packets of sour cream from Grumbo’s Slightly Edible Materials Emporium. “Let’s do this,” he says. Seabassy is confusingly horny. The Gandanameno watches, thirsty, and remembers that he probably has a function in the story. “I probably have a function in the story,” he says. No one cares, Gandanameno. It’s sour cream time. A loud gust of wind flows in through the window. This leaves Zack with a strange, almost indescribable feeling. It's almost as if he understands some deeper truth? This feeling overtakes him, and he falls to his knees. "Holy fucking shit, bees!" Exclaims Zack, out of fucking nowhere. Both door hinges snap off, and the bedroom door falls flat onto the floor. The hallway is dark, and a figure stands ominously near the end. Zack faints. Sebastian stumbles over to Zack and pries the garden hose from his cold fingers. Sebastian stands tall, and aims the garden hose down the hallway, at the unidentifiable figure. "Who are you?" Inquires Sebastian. "Heeey- uhh would you be able to lend me a dollar?" Asks the figure, in a low booming voice. This leaves Sebastian confused, and he asks another question "How'd you get in here?". There is no reply, but the figure takes a step back. "Please," asks the figure, sounding more frantic and desperate than ever, "I only need a dollar, then I'll leave your home forever" The ground begins to shake violently, and everyone in the basement stumbles around and Sebastian falls to the floor. The pounding stops, and a massive green, and dangerously grassy hand punches the glass window, shattering it. The hand, now dripping liters of blood, exits back through the window. Another hand reaches through, holding a vending machine. It places the vending machine on the basement floor, sideways. Sebastian looks up to see the dark figure regaining their balance, and beginning to sprint towards the room. Sebastian gets to his feet, but not before the figure reaches the room. The face of this mysterious figure is finally visible. It's Isaac Thoman. Isaac runs past Sebastian, and reaches his hand into Sebastian's pants pocket, and pulls out his wallet. Before Sebastian gets a chance to react to this, Isaac has made it to the other side of the room. Isaac crouches at the vending machine in the corner, and pulls a dollar out of Sebastian's wallet. He inserts it into the machine, but the soda falls to the side of the machine. Isaac begins to moan, it's starts as a quiet sob, but it gradually grows louder. It doesn't take long for the moan to become so unbearable that Sebastian is forced to leave the room. Zack wakes up, and looks over at Isaac, who appears to have begun melting into the floorboards. This is unpleasant to watch. Seabass, having stepped out into the hallway, takes a swig of apple cider vinegar from the flask he keeps snugged into the back of his left ear at all times. “I do not like this,” he says. “This is my least favorite thing.” Zack steps out of the room as well. Isaac continues wailing. Zack says something, but Seabass cannot hear him over Isaac’s very annoying to listen to misery. It also does not help that at that very moment the entire house is suddenly ripped from its foundation, which not only leaves them them in a basement shaped hole in the ground and creates a noise similar to roughly ten thousand horse skeletons being crushed simultaneously by a large ceremonial vase, a noise that inexplicably gives Seabass a sense of deja vu, but also reveals the Green Giant towering above Seabass’s house, yielding the gutted shell of his house. “You haven’t been eating your vegetables,” it bellows. As the crash suddenly drowned out Issac’s wail of a thousand sorrows, Sebass and Zack Synder looked up in horror. The jolt of upward momentum sends the gandanameno into a state of shock, it is quickly impaled by a dimly lit chandelier and forgotten. While Sebass’ cranium is filled with regrets, Zack Synder (a notorious vegetable lover) quickly makes his escape, leaving Isaac and Sebass to their demise. Sebass, out of options, realizes there is only one person he can turn to. Someone who can fix both melting and lack of proper vegetable based hygiene. He quickly turns to a hatch behind him and lifts the handle. “It is finally time for you to repay your debt” Sebass bellows into the ancient catacombs. Suddenly a new, more mysterious, more shadowy figure rises from the hatch. Rohan. Rohan takes a step out of the hatch, clearly disoriented. “Where’s Mr. Gandanameno?” he asks. Everyone stares at Rohan with dread. Sebastian is the first to speak up, “I’m afraid Mr. Gandanameno is no longer with us.” Rohan turns around, walks back into his dwelling, and shuts the hatch without a word. “Well, shit,” says Sebastian, “I guess we’re doomed.” The hatch swings back open, and Rohan steps out holding a magic recorder. “Everyone take a seat,” says Rohan. Once everyone is seated on the floor in a circle, he blows on the recorder, and it makes a dreadful screech. He continues blowing on the recorder for around 40 seconds, as everyone in the circle stares. The screeching is suddenly stopped, and everyone watches in horror as a very dead Mr. Gandanameno squeezes out the end of the recorder. Rohan tries to resuscitate the very dead gandanameno, but is unsurprisingly unsuccessful. Rohan mopes back into his hole, and slams the hatch shut. Sebastian reaches his very bony Sebastian arm into the vending machine, and grabs Isaac’s soda. He pours the soda onto the still melting Isaac, which at least dampens the screaming. “We need to get out of here,” says Sebastian. Seabass knocks on the hatch again, but there was no answer. It seemed Rohan had fallen into slumber again. With no one to turn to, Seabass runs for the door, which is still there despite the house not being around it. While considering the absurdity of leaving through the door when there is a perfectly usable open space next to him, he realizes that he's definitely tripping, because just a moment ago they were all standing in a basement. As this realization comes to his mind, a large bag of spinach lands in his vicinity. Brady opens it from the inside, shouting, HOLY F*CKINK SH*T, BEES! When Brady emerges, he begins drinking the mostly melted Isaac. As he slurps the last off the floor, he turns and says, Mmmmm, Branta Canadensis! “Brady, you exist now,” Seabass says. “I dislike that.” At this, the Jolly Green Giant sets down the house, making himself known for the first time in several minutes. “Oh yeah that’s still happening,” says Seabass. Speaking of things that are still happening, the remainder of the now completely liquified Isaac is still screaming. Fucking pussy. The Jolly Green Giant, feeling that he was not getting nearly as much attention as he should be, exclaims, “PREPARE TO FEEL THE WRATH OF ALL VEGETABLEKIND!!” This gives Seabass and idea. He quickly opens the Every Plant Ever app. “BOK CHOY BONK!!” “TABASCO FIASCO!!” “BORAGE BARAGE!!” “HASS HARASS!!” “ARTICHOKE CHOKE!!” “GRAPE RAPE!!” “Ooh, yes please,” says Brady. Seabass begins to say “shut up Brady,” as he should, before the Jolly Green Giant plays his final card. “BUTTERNUUUUUUUUUUTTTTT...” “NO!” Seabass cries, but it’s too late. “SQUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASH!!!!!!” Seabass feels his skull do summersaults into his chest. Every bone in his body feels like it is inside of a blender. It is unpleasant. He falls to the ground, defeated. The Jolly Green Giant prepares to deliver the fatal blow, when suddenly a voice is heard in the distance. “SHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” screams Trevin, sprinting towards the Giant. The appearance of Trevin manages to draw the attention of everyone in the basement. The Jolly Green Giant plans to spread his leafy wrath farther, and quickly prepares another butternut squash. Realizing the predicament he is in, Trevin goes to use his only option. He pulls out a small pocket version of the Quran, and begins to read in perfect Arabic. Suddenly his words morph into English, “SUN HEAT GRAPE EXPLOSION!!!!!”. The grape explosion and squash collide, resulting in a glorious blast of fiery amazement and new color. Trevin is and Sebass are knocked unconscious, but are unharmed. The Jolly Green Giant is set ablaze, and begins to slump into a scorching heap of death and anguish. Brady is unphased. The Issac puddle is instantly evaporated into Issac water vapor due to the immense heat, and he immaculately floats upwards towards the glorious grey heavens. Zack Synder watches from the distance, unaware of the current predicament. The Giant Green Giant is in absolute agony. The fire of grapitude has spread from the outer layers of his skin into his deeper muscle tissues. Blood, black like oil, seeps through gashes in the Giant’s face and chest as it rolls on the ground, bellowing and screaming. “Oh...did I cause that? Whupsle dupsle, amiright?!” Trevin says to anyone who cares. No one does. The Giant continues suffering. He is no longer a threat, and is a thing to be ignored. “So what’s up, my fellow functional humans?” Trevin says, staggering awkwardly towards Seabass, Brady, and Vapor Isaac, trying his very best to mimic the behavior of the people around him as to appear more normal and achieve his underlying agenda. “My house is gone,” says Seabass. “It is!” says Trevin. “But wouldn’t it be funny if we called you Sea-ASS?! Wouldn’t that be a funny outrageous thing that could shine some of the attention onto me?!?! I came up with that just off the top of my head! I really did! God, I am a GOD! No, what am I taking about, I’m the worst. STUPID person really, yknow hahahahahaha??? GOD I AM THE WORST!!!!!! Haha, no wait, you don’t care I shouldn’t have talked I’m sorry I just I’m sorry and hahaha you know? Hahaha! I’m sorry.” Seabass contemplates this for 20 minutes. “Trevin,” he finally says. “What the fuck.” “I’m sorry,” Trevin says immediately. The Giant is still dying painfully just feet from them. While Sevastiob discusses utter nonsense with Trevin, Brady unclips a small vile from his adventure belt. He opens the vile and traps the Isaac vapor safely inside. As the Jolly Green Giant falls to his knees and begins to sputter in complete anguish, he finally loses the final inches of his life. As a final attempt to screw with the Tony people below, he grabs the vending machine and swallows it. As the machine rattles down the leafy lining of the behemoth’s Throat, he lets out a final gasp and dies. “To restore Isaac to a flesh person, we might need another soda?” Sevastiob pontificates. “I guess this is like ‘Journey to the Center of a Giant Green Vegetable creature’ am I right? It’s funny because it’s a reference.” Trevin quips. Everyone audibly sighs. The group quickly prepares an expedition into the green giant, but Sevastiob is still having intense, emotional, epic, horrendous flashbacks about what today is supposed to be. As Trevin and Brady lower into the beast’s swarthy maw, Sevastiob runs away to find Zack Synder. Once inside the green beast, Trevin's eyes light up, as he seems to remember something important. "Oh shit- check your pockets" he says to Brady. "What"? " "Just do it" Brady reaches into his pockets, and pulls out 12 nickels. "Where'd these come from?" Asks Brady, very confused. Trevin grabs the nickels out of Brady's hand and counts them. "Oh god," cries Trevin, before disappearing in a fiery flash of purple and orange light. Brady stands there for a moment, in a daze. He reaches into his pocket once more, and pulls out another nickel. "Trevin?" He calls, somehow forgetting that Trevin had just disappeared in a fiery flash of light. "oh yeeah." Suddenly, Trevin re-appears in a fiery flash of light, but he looks different to Brady. Brady stares at Trevin for a moment before the realization of exactly what has changed sweeps over his soul. Trevin, to Brady's dismay is now wearing a wizard hat. Before Brady has time to process this realization, another Trevin flashes into existence behind the wizard hat-wearing Trevin, and tackles the wizard hat-wearing Trevin, taking him to the ground. "GET BACK IN YOUR HOLE, YOU SICK FUCK" Screams real Trevin, as he pulls a magic wand out of Wizard Trevin's rear end. Trevin uses the wand to cast a spell, opening a portal, and shoving Wizard Trevin through. Brady is still watching intently. The portal closes, and Brady grabs the wand from Trevin, and casts a spell of his own, creating a portal in which Brady jumps through. The portal closes, leaving Trevin alone, in the throat of the giant green beast. Meanwhile, Seabass trudges up the hill he saw Zach Snyder scurry up after the Giant’s first appearance. It is a chilly night around midnight, and a soft wind blows carrying a desolate silence that stains Seabass’s soul, empty and fearful, as he dreads what is about to happen. No stars grace the inky sky, clouds of uncertainty cover the pale, bright moon that covers objects below with an eerie hue, just visible enough to navigate, but friendly to shadows mascaraing as ghoulish visions for Seabass to become paranoid over. As Seabass reaches the summit of the hill, the dark silhouette of Zach Snyder peaks up gradually, as he emotionlessly watches the scene below. Seabass positions himself next to Zach and and stares into the direction he is looking. From the high, lonely perspective on top of the hill one can see the smoldering corpse of the Jolly Green Giant lying pitifully next to the hollowed-out shell of Seabass’s basement, and the rubble of his house lying near it, with a wide and objective lens. “Until tonight,” says Seabass, finally breaking the silence. “I’d completely forgotten what was supposed to happen today. I had blocked it out from my mind. It was too much for me to live with, the weight of this godforsaken prophecy would have crushed me with its might.” Zach Snyder takes a reflective moment to process this. Seabass notices an empathetic, mournful gleam in this eye that was not visible before. “I don’t blame you,” Zach says at last. “It’s been a burden on all of us, all those who were there on that wretched eve all those months ago.” “May we please stop with poetry-esque monologues and get to what we need to do?” Seabass says, suddenly turning toward Zach Snyder in frustration. Zach doesn’t return his glance. A single tear runs down his cheek. “Yes,” he says. And so he begins. Meanwhile, Brady is gleefully busy engaged in a much more lighthearted acid trip of seduction! “What the FUCK Brady!” Trevin bellows into the empty green mass. Brady has left with his adventure belt, meaning that Trevin no long has the vile. “I guess I’m still quenchy big thirst!” Trevin admits, venturing further into the beast’s interior. As the bio luminescent lettuce lined organs of the best come into view, Trevin spots the vending machine protruding from an intestine. He swiftly pulls his extendo matic funny-o ladder, allowing him to reach the machine. He clicks the soda button in with a loud crack, and prepares his money. “TWO CENTS SHORT GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.” Trevin whispers, making sure the green mass does not collapse around him. Trevin then uses his rage to throw the vending machine into the lining of the creature’s chest, causing the green mass around him to collapse. Trevan falls down and breaks a knee, rendering him immobile. “I always knew I’d end up in a thorax, just not this one in particular” Trevin remarks. As the weight of the green corpse suddenly begins to crush our valiant hero of myth, he notices a single soda can has fallen from the machine. He quickly rolls towards it, tucks it into his satchel, pulls a lighter out of his satchel, and sets himself on fire. “This will destroy the grass around me! By settling it on fire.... shit”

--Act II--

Miles is awoken gracefully to the sound of an oolong blowing his cute little oolong horn. This fills Miles with excitement, and he jumps out of bed, only to realize that there is no little oolong blowing his cute little oolong horn. Miles realizes that he was dreaming, and that the sound is coming from his oolong themed alarm clock. Miles’ eyes start to adjust to his dark bedroom, and he is slowly able to make out a figure looming over him. “Hey,” says the figure, which takes miles by surprise. “get up, quick, we need to go.” “what?” asks a very tired and confused Miles. Miles is beginning to snap out of his grogginess and recognizes Trevin as the one standing in his room. “Look, I really need to get back home,” says Trevin. Miles starts to get dressed and begins asking for some explanation. “So what are you doing here again?” Asks Miles. “It’s been a long day, just come with me and I’ll show you.” Trevin produces a suspiciously large wizard hat from his pocket and places it on his head at a strange angle. “All ready?” Asks Trevin. “I suppose, where are we going?” Asks miles. “You’ll see.” Trevin pulls a wand from his other pocket and waves it around at Miles’ bedroom wall. This opens a portal to a dark, grassy field. Trevin almost aggressively nudges Miles through the portal. Miles and Trevin are both standing in the field and the portal closes behind them. It’s very foggy, but Miles thinks he’s able to make out a massive green toe looming from behind him. Stunned, Trevin yanks him by the arm and they begin running through the field. A light appears in the distance, and Trevin picks up speed, letting go of Miles’ arm. Trevin sprints towards the light, and as he draws near his pace slows. “We’re too late,” he says to miles. They slowly get closer and circle the bright, fiery burning figure. The figure is Trevin, set ablaze. A reasonable person might ask why there’s a Trevin burning in the middle of a field at night. To that I would reply, “that’s for Trevin to figure out”. Trevin watches Trevin burn. Protrusions of flame cling to his blackened skin, and wisps of smoke slip from beneath his medium rare flesh. The smell is somewhat similar to that of the interior of the horse oven, Trevin notes. “Trevin?” Miles asks after minutes of silence. “Yeah?” replies Trevin. “No no,” says Miles. “I was talking to Trevin.” Miles gestures towards the blackening mound of flesh that lay before him. “Ah,” says Trevin. “Well I don’t think you’ll be getting a response out of him.” This statement is accurate, but who the fuck cares. Miles looks around. He regrets it immediately. He stops looking around. “Trevin?” Miles asks tentatively. Trevin remains silent. Trevin remains dead. Miles taps Trevin on the shoulder to get his attention. Trevin turns to look at him. “Oh, I thought you were talking to Trevin,” Trevin says. “What’s up?” “Why is Trevin burning in the middle of a bunch of giant vegetable gore?” Miles asks. “Well...” Trevin begins. At that very moment, a muddy hand emerges from the ground below them. “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA” Miles observes. The hand grapples at the dirt and latches onto a fistful of grass, pulling itself upward. The hand gives way to an arm, the arm gives way to a shoulder, and the shoulder gives way to a disappointment. “Oh for fuck’s sake,” Trevin says. Brady emerges, covered in dirt and horse semen. “GAAAAH,” Brady replies, a bit of both substances falling into his mouth as he does so. “Go back into your hole,” Trevin says, tapping his foot against Brady’s head as he tries to climb out. Miles realizes that he would be mortified if he wasn’t so used to this kind of behavior, and remains disinterested, and, quite frankly, rather irked. “Shut up, you fool! We have to get out of here, RIGHT FUCKING NOW, or we’re all gonna die!” Brady screams, standing up. “That wouldn’t be so bad,” Trevin says, rather inefficiently disguising a cry for help as a witty quip. Before anyone can sigh loudly, the ground begins to shake. “HOLY FUCKING SHIT, BEES!” Brady cries. “RUN!!!!!” As he says this, several giant, bony white spikes penetrate from the ground, each standing several stories tall, and together forming a rough circle with vast spaces between each spike. At this point Trevin and Miles decide it might be best to follow Brady’s advice and begin sprinting towards the edge of the circle. The ground cracks and sinks rapidly and the perimeter of the circle begins to crumble. There is something below the surface. “WHAT ARE THOSE?!” Miles screams as they run. “Teeth,” Brady replies. Miles has no time to process this and decides that he would save a lot of time and energy if he just accepted everything from now on. Nearing the edge of the crumbling circle, the ground becomes so broken that it has the texture of a bag of Miracle Grow. “WE’RE ALMOST THERE!” Trevin screams, diving for the edge. This creates a unique situation for Trevin. He expects to land safely outside the edge of the circle after about one second of midair suspension, but that assumption could not be farther from what actually happens. For at that very moment of Trevin’s final dive, the entire circle of ground collapses into the throat of whatever creature the teeth belong to, sending our heroes falling into a deep, dark pit. Looking up, Trevin can see the mouth close above them, and then, blackness. As the cataclysmic event occurring below shakes the earth, the voles and shrews run away in terror. Trees are ripped from the ground and flowers are overturned. Suddenly, the shaking pauses, just for a moment, and a giant worm like creature jumps out of the ground (this is when it swallows our heroes.) As the three chums fall seemingly to their dooms, Sevastiob and Zack Snyder watch in horror. Something about seeing his friends get eaten by a death worm finally causes Sevastiob to snap, and so he does. “You may forgive me, but I can’t forgive you” the boy roars, suddenly jumping on Zack’s face and scratching at him like a howling monkey of the south. Zack rapidly tilts his head downwards, throwing Sevastiob off. “Perhaps I should’ve dealt with you that day.” bellows Zack, thrusting his fist into Sevastiob’s chest. Greenish purple blood oozes from Sevastiob’s mouth, but he manages to push his leg into Zack and send him flying backwards. Zack begins another attack, but Sevastiob unsheathes his ear axe. “I must disobey the pact and wield my weapon once again, I hope you can understand” Sevastiob says to himself, slashing his axe forward. Zack dodges the blow by only an inch, but uses his chance to sweep Sevastiob off his feet. The boy nearly falls onto his own axe, but steadies himself and quickly slashes horizontally. This cuts deep into Zack’s right leg, causing him to stumble. Sevastiob sees his chance and strikes again, separating Zack’s nerves. Zack is sent to into a state of complete shock, allowing Sevastiob to reach into the man’s mouth and grab whatever he can, separating his teeth from his gums. Sebastiob proceeds to push Zack’s teeth deep into the vile man’s throat. The bloodied boy looks down at his foe, blood spurting out of his leg, choking on his own teeth. He finishes the job by spitting on Zack, and promptly leaves, leaving him to be picked apart by buzzards and bobcats. Today is not Zack Snyder’s day.